Nepalmountainnews Report | 5 May 2008
Technically, my first kiss was when I was 5. He was 13 and my brother's best friend. I suppose he was experiencing puberty and was curious about the fairer sex. Meanwhile, I was the convenient test-subject.
From what I remember of the event, I asked him to promise that it would be the last time (which probably meant it had happened before, but I don't remember) and it was only after he gave me his reassurance that I had allowed him to.
What I also remember was that I had not been prepared for his tongue, which he had then thrust into my mouth.
On a separate occasion, I also remember him putting his hands into my underwear and getting his introductions to my female, "down-there" anatomies.
You might expect me to be distraught and deeply disturbed by these instances, but I am not.
Since it happened when I was very young and did not really know what was going on at the time, I only feel when I felt then: a bit Uncomfortable.
However, after years of walking in the streets of Kathmandu and receiving several other blatant sexual offences from strangers, I have learned the meaning of sexual violation.
With this knowledge, my uncomfortable feeling now has a new friend — Anger.
Anger not just for what happened to me, but anger that I have not been alone in having had such experiences and, worse, that I have not been alone in keeping quiet about it all.
Every female friend and relative I have talked to has had a story to share about an assault or some form of violation upon her body.
More often than not, they have also kept these stories and instances to themselves.
For my sister, what began as fondness and attention from our uncle eventually turned to attraction and led to sexual violation.
She was barely in her teens and he was a close uncle with daughters her age.
Whilst on a trip where he was the only adult, she had gone to him one night because she got scared of the dark.
When she lay down beside him for comfort, he had been unable to resist exploring her just-maturing body.
The impact of that incident resulted in her denying her womanhood and becoming a tom-boy.
Eventually, it exacerbated insecurities, which in turn resulted in weight control issues. Socially, it also strained her relationship with her aunt who was jealous of her husband's obvious affection towards her niece yet, after all these years, she still does not know of her husband's conduct that night. As for my sister, she has so far kept her silence. She quietly listens to his kids' praises of how 'perfect' their father is.
She watches him get respect, adulation and the juwain treatment at family gatherings. And when he openly complaints at such gatherings of how she has become so aloof and uncommunicative with him, she has conditioned herself to just smile and shrug in response.
To cite another example, a friend of mine had admitted to me that a woman had once felt her up.
Not surprisingly, I was quite shocked to learn this but not as shocked and horrified as when I learnt years later that that 'woman' was in fact her aunt whom she had to live within her joint-family and that, not only had the aunt felt her up once, but had in fact sexually molested and raped her for years throughout her adolescent years.
Thinking of all the stories I've heard from other woman, ranging from my own mother to my sisters and friends, my head reels under the weight of their experiences and all I can think of is 'Why?'
Why do we not address the violations we have experienced, especially those done by people close to us? Why do we not speak up? Our society is supposed to be one of strong family values and equally strong moral principles. It is supposed to be a cohesive society of respect, close relations and support.
Yet, when sexual offences occur, where is the social support system then? Where are the strong moral principles? Why do those offended feel the hesitation to speak out and say they have been violated?
Why do they instead prefer to keep quiet and their head down?
Does each generation that gets endowed with our Social Values and Morals also inherit the hidden standards of the hierarchical system where men (and some women) feel that it is okay to freely tease, taunt, grope, rape someone and they can get away with it?
Meanwhile, for the victim of sexual offence, keeping quiet or failing to recognize the violation, isolates her, denies her the support she needs and only gives her the extra burden of the silence and misplaced blame.
To describe such a situation as 'unfair' is too weak a word.
It is unacceptable to me that I live in a society where every woman (and quite a few men) has experienced a violation upon their body.
It is unacceptable that there are children who, like me, are subjected to acts they do not even comprehend and that, like my sister, young women grow up trying to suppress their femininity.
It is abhorrent and completely devastating that there might be other young women (and men) like my friend, who are periodically raped by the very people they are supposed to trust.
The more I reflect upon it, the more this image of our serene, protective, family and community-oriented society seems more like some sorry and perverse joke we are playing upon ourselves.
Personally, repeated violations had led me to distrust men, feel unsure and ashamed of myself and uncomfortable walking alone. It had taken away my integrity and broken my self confidence.
I did not want to look pretty and I certainly did not want my breasts. I did not want anything about me attracting men's attentions. Thankfully, things are quite different now.
Angered by being groped by men on several occasions, I finally actually ran after an offender in the middle of Ratna Park.
Seeing him startle and run away from me continues to be one of my most empowering moments.
I have never walked shoulders hunched, eyes-to-the-ground since then. Nowadays whenever I walk, I walk tall.
A few months ago, I also wrote to my brother's friend reminding him of what he had done to me.
Though I am disappointed by how blatantly he refused to acknowledge his actions, I am proud that I stood up to him and spoke out.
I have stopped allowing myself to be afraid. I want to accept my femininity and rejoice in it.
I will not let any guy violate and disrespect me anymore. For anyone who dares, I will not hesitate to stand up to, or run after, them.
I am no longer keeping silent and I am not going to let any other woman remain so either. Please join me in my effort to speak up against sexual violation..
-Kabita Kishore/KTM post
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